Facing My Worst Birth Fear

What is your worst birth fear? What would you do if it became your reality? #birth #birthplan #csection

Before the birth of my son, I spent months mentally preparing for childbirth. I had the idea of my perfect birth in my head and I was doing everything in my power to make it happen. I wanted to ensure that my son was brought into the world in a peaceful way. I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, ....

When the day finally came, I was definitely mentally prepared. Not a piece of me was afraid and I was ready to catch my baby (I figured that if I had thrown up my soul for five months, that I should be the first person to touch my baby). I wound up sleeping through early labor and powering through the majority of active labor in the shower. I honestly couldn't believe it when my doula told me that I would probably have to get out of the shower, because the hospital wouldn't want me to give birth in there. Ha. I even loved pushing and the glorious nitrous oxide that took the edge off between contractions.

Flashback to several weeks earlier, my husband and I were leaving our birth class after watching a mock cesarean. I cried during the demonstration and afterwards when we talked about it. I couldn't imagine not being able to catch my baby or hold him right away. I admitted to my husband that that was my very worst fear. A few days later, I had a dream that I had to have a cesarean to save my son's life and that in that moment, I could care less.

Fast forward back to the birth, I was 5 hours into pushing with no progression and my stomach (my son) was completely crooked during each contraction. I was overcome with pure exhaustion and had no idea how I would be able to continue. It was at this point that I asked about a c-section. My doula started to tell me that something didn't seem quite right. I was pushing well and had progressed quickly prior to pushing...maybe something was not normal with my son's umbilical chord.

With a lot of tears and sadness, I decided that I should have a cesarean. My doula assured me that I had done everything in my power to give my son the entrance into the world that I wanted, but that something wasn't quite right.

My son had a true knot in his umbilical chord. Due to the knot, he would not get into the proper position in order to make it through the birth canal. EVERY SINGLE DAY, I am thankful that he didn't come into the world the way that I had envisioned. My beautiful boy may not be with me, if I had not faced my worst fear. I truly believe that my dream was my subconscious preparing me for what my body already knew would need to happen.

I have learned that sometimes, we need to get over ourselves. We need to let go of the wheel and simply let the universe guide us into the right direction.